I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
