Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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