i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
