please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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