I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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