she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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