Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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