Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
