hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
