the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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