It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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