Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
