I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
