Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
