After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
