broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
