Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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