my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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