I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize