did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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