I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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