I'm eating all of the evidence.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
