Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
