I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
