i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize