New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
