You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude. I can hear the air.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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