the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
