1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
