Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
