On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize