I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
