i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize