My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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