So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize