BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
