last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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