Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
