Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
