so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
