tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize