I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
