You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
