She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
