Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there was a trapeze. enough said
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
