Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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