i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
