we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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