dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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