Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
