tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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