This is not my ceiling
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
