that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
