Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
