I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
