Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
