Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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