Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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