I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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