LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize