how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
