omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
