Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
