In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize