I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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