Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
two words...techno handjob
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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