The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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