Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
