Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
