I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
