this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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